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2005-07-21 - 1:35 p.m. New Orleans Days One and Two I am New Orleans this week for a conference. I fucking love New Orleans. What Vegas is to some, New Orleans is to me. As Lewis Black said (of Vegas, but I think it applies here), if you haven’t been, you’d better go soon because the Christian Right is going to find out what they are up to down there and shit all over it. My flight was delayed on Sunday night so I got in too late to go out. This made me sad but I made up for it on Monday. My friends at the conference had fairly indeterminate plans for early in the evening so I walked around the Quarter solo. I ended up at Crescent City Brewing where I drank about 100 oz of German beer, ate some gumbo and shot the shit with the bartender. At one point he was talking to this local guy and myself and he said that his ex had called him and told him to stop by this bar. When he got there, she was making out with another guy. Then she used the old “the men’s room is out of order” trick to drag my bartender buddy into the women’s room where they fucked. Have I mentioned that I love this town? After that I went to Tropical Isle, which is home to New Orleans “most powerful drink” –the Hand Grenade. It’s basically some fruity green shit with grain alcohol in it. Once I drank five in one night and lost the ability to see. The place was pretty dead so I was shooting the shit with the bartender LJ and another bartender, Ellie, who wasn’t working that night. They were best friends from high school who had recently moved from California to New Orleans and were both cute and cool. Although Ellie’s boyfriend was there and he was a total dipshit (LJ agreed with me). I think she just like the fact that she could abuse him – at one point I watched her ash her cigarette into his drink for no apparently good reason (he didn’t notice and drank it). High comedy. I like Tropical Isle, but their jukebox is shit. Lots of Jimmy Buffet (who I would really like to catch on fire in a tragic bong accident), marginal hair bands and some decent classic rock. At one point some country ass bullshit song came on and this redneck dude came in, sat next to me and said “Woooo, my boy David Allen Coe!” I turned, looked at him very seriously and said, “Oh, is that who this is? I just thought someone was shitting in my ear.” My new cute friends thought that this was VERY funny. The bartender mentioned that she sometimes masturbated at work (I could tell from early on that this was going to be a fun evening) which led to us discussing porn. I mentioned that one Saturday morning at 7 am I was watching porn on HBO while eating Cocoa Krispies (c’mon, I had to get up early for a tennis match, needed to eat and there was nothing else on) which they thought was hysterical. This somehow degraded into how the bartender wanted to have sex with me while eating Cocoa Krispies, then sex while eating Cocoa Krispie treats, then having sex on a giant bed of Cocoa Krispie treats. Did I mention that I love this town? She also said at one point, “I don’t have sex behind the bar…on the bar, maybe, but not behind the bar.” Classy. One weird thing that I noticed is that in the men’s room in every bar there is a sign that reads “Warning: The consumption of alcohol by pregnant women can cause birth defects.” Certainly, this is very true, but why post it in the men’s room? Are you trying to talk me out of getting that hot pregnant chick drunk on tequila so she’ll go home with me? Good fucking luck with that, especially if she’s already lactating. At one point 4 lesbians came into the bar. Well, I should say two definite lesbians, one lipstick lesbian who I think was just mad at her parents and one woman who was trying way to hard to look like a lesbian but ended up looking like a sorostitute dressed up as a lesbian. I said to LJ and Ellie: “One look at my penis and those two would be straight again.” I crack myself up. One of the downstairs waitresses, Lishia, came upstairs occasionally to smoke a cigarette and shoot the shit. The best way to describe her in two words or less is: Sill Lee. So hot she brought a tear to my eye. LJ introduced me to her by saying, “This is my new boyfriend. Don’t you dare drive him off.” Thanks I like you too. I did manage to avoid having sex with any of my new hot bar friends, which is probably good. I’ll leave you with a very random quote from that night, that doesn’t even need to be put into context to be funny. “Some guy told me that I looked like a fetus.” I’ll recap the rest of my trip soon. Behave,
The Case of Porn v. Strippers - 2010-12-16
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